April 26th, 2017. I woke up a little groggy but that could have been because I was single parenting. Nic was down south anxiously awaiting the doors to open in Seattle to take his Professional Engineer test. The day he'd been waiting EIGHT long years for. I had other pressing items on my list for the day. Journey to the dollar store after preschool drop off and pick up a few pregnancy tests! Yes, you read that right. Dollar store and pregnancy tests. Which surprises you more? Their pregnancy tests hadn't failed me yet! Spencer and I busily ran our errands and arrived home. I plopped him in front of Paw Patrol or some other beloved show and hustled my booty upstairs. With the pink box in hand, I cringed and took the test. Oh, oh my, instant results. Not.what.I.was ready.for! It didn't come as a huge surprise, as we weren't trying but not preventing. I ran downstairs grabbed a dry erase marker and giggly wrote on Nic's bathroom mirror. "Oh baby! #lastone #sorryaprilbrewsdays" I then placed the positive test on the ledge of the mirror below my bold note. I took a video of Nic when he read it. His reaction a lot like mine. "No" "For real" "NO" "REALLY?!" We both sat on our bed in disbelief with smiles on our faces....WHAT DID WE DO!? Okay, here we go, third child and last! Our first doctors appointment was on May 16th. It took FOREVER to get here. Mother's day was in that mix and we told my parents, my brother and Meredith, Nic's mom and the morning of the appointment the boys. It was an eight A.M. appointment and I didn't want to bug anyone to watch the boys so early so they came with. I had been feeling slight sickness but nothing bad. I was just chugging along in the pregnancy. The ultrasound tech moved the wand around left and right doing the normal measuring of all parts. She then got to the baby and the measurement popped up on the bottom left of the screen 6w2d. Hmmmm, that can't be. I know my dates are right. I should be late into the 7th week. I kept my mouth shut and my mind began to wander. There right in the center of screen was the fluttering heart. Phew, okay, a heartbeat. But, why is it 62 beats per min. and not 100+. The boys could have cared less. They were entertained with dragons and thought the "lava" in my belly was cool on the screen. As we moved rooms, I tried keeping my thoughts positive. The Dr. will tell us all is fine. The LPN came in and the boys were really rowdy and hungry. Nic took them out to the car for snacks and I was left surrounded by four walls and this lady who didn't have good news. I sat on the patient table as this woman explained to me that I needed to come back next week for a follow up ultrasound to see if this baby is VIABLE. Excuse me? Viable? This is MY baby and it has a heartbeat. My brain went into overload and I shook my head and did the best I could to get out of there and find my family. The boys got loaded up into my car and Nic leaned in to give me a kiss. As he pulled away from me, he asked, "are you nervous at all?" Of course I was! And that's why I knew, this wasn't good. We were told to come back in a week for a follow up ultrasound. The only time they had available was Thursday afternoon! It was the longest week plus two days of my life. Google should be taken away in these situations. Of every story I could find, each ended in miscarriage. My friend Tami took the boys and Nic and I unnervingly entered ultrasound room #2. I hate this room now and found out I can ask to never be in there again! Dr. Mallory prepped us to the best of his abilities. There on the bottom left of the screen popped up 6w1d....UGH. And I kept staring but failed to see any flicker of a heart. He then confirmed the beginning to our worst nightmare. The baby's heart had stopped and hadn't grown in over a week. He profusely apologized. He explained what this meant and how to handle it. He gave us our options but said we were not to pick an option today. We were to go home and talk about it and come back in a week. Once again, why is google not taken away! Nic told me it was my body and he would go with whatever I wished. I couldn't get past the D & C. I couldn't get past the image of my baby being sucked out and thrown in a trash. I didn't want to be in the hospital. I wanted to be at home and do it there and at least be some what comfortable. I originally thought letting my body do it naturally would be best. My friend google told me it could take up to SIX more weeks for my body to let go. I could not handle six more weeks. I needed to start moving forward. When we went back in the following week, we had an ultrasound to confirm what the previous ultrasound showed. I chose the misoprostol pills to induce labor. Once I took them, they kicked in four hours later. The pain was nonexistent. The blood, clots, and tissue were out of control. After FIVE hours of my body expelling everything, I finally decided it was bed time. The blood had slowed and I found some puppy pads to protect my bed. I called the OB the next day to set up an ultrasound to make sure all had passed. I went to this appointment alone. I was a big girl and this one didn't scare me. UNTIL, I knew I saw a blood vessel smack dab in the middle of my uterus. Hey God, could you just make something, anything, go right?!?! I spoke with my OB who agreed it was still a good option to try the pills again. I did so right when I got home from the appointment. FAIL! Not a darn thing happened besides getting the runs at midnight! I knew what this meant. My second worst nightmare. It meant I needed to go in for a D & C. However, I knew the only thing in there was a tiny piece of placenta. This made me feel slightly better. My ob's office actually did D & C's in office on certain circumstances. I was a candidate. Friday, June 9th I went in at 8:40 AM to complete the final piece to this long, never ending, heart wrenching saga. It did not hurt. I did not have cramping after. I did not really even feel it. I did finally have a cleaned out uterus. They all said they would see us back in a few months. I told them we weren't sure #3 was in the cards for us but they all disagreed. One of the hardest parts to this, is when your four year old asks, "hey mom is that bump the baby?" And then, I, as a mom, without training, have to tell him that the baby didn't make it and that it went to go be with Jesus in heaven. A few days later, mom is my foot on the baby? Yes, but remember what we talked about buddy? Yes mom, the baby went to be with Jesus. Mom, I'm really worried! Why are you worried buddy? I'm worried we'll never have a baby. Then I get to tell him the awful news that we might not and that is okay. I get to explain to him that my belly is going down when he points at it and says is the baby still there? No, the baby is now gone and mommy's tummy will start to go down. And then my four year old gets upset again that he may never have a baby! I can't explain why this happens. I do know that one in four recorded pregnancies end in miscarriage. The rate is even higher than that because so many go unrecorded. I do know people are more opening to saying that they had a miscarriage but NO ONE ever told me this is what a missed miscarriage would entail. That this would go on for weeks, months, and seem to never end. It will wipe your HSA and all you have left are memories of the worst saga. We do have ultrasound pictures from the first ultrasound with heartbeat. I don't know what to do with them. I cannot look at them right now because it's too raw. One day I hope to figure out where to place them to remember this angel that will forever be looking over us.
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