heartbroken mama

Yes, our little guy is here but that is for another post. 

Let's back up to 34 weeks pregnant...

...We went in for a routine check up with a Dr. we had yet to meet. The clinic we go to has five doctors and two are male. Dr. Mora and Dr. Mallory are the two male doctors. I enjoyed Dr. Mora and now it was time to meet Dr. Mallory. I was less than impressed with him. He talked really fast and likes statistics. I found him rather random and wasn't quite sure what to take from the appointment. He basically was telling me that there was no way I would deliver this baby naturally. He mentioned c-section and that was it for me. This man was not high on my favorites list. He wanted to "start collecting a data set" to see how big our baby boy was. He asked us if we wanted to have an ultrasound at our 35 week appointment. Sure, why not. It would be another chance we get to see our little guy before he is born. We arrived at our appointment a week later eager to see our little guy! The ultrasound was first and then we met with Dr. Dowling. We really like her (she ended up delivering us). She is patient and listens to your wants. It was towards the end of our appointment when she said so they talked to you about the hydronephrosis. Nic and I stared at her blankly... the huh what? She back pedaled and said oh sorry I thought they had told you. His left kidney was slightly dilated meaning there was a blockage somewhere. She said it was common in boys and would probably go away once he was born. She didn't make it sound like it was something to worry about so I tried to let it go. It wasn't until after he was born and we were heading to our first pediatrician appointment that my dad reminded me to ask about it. His Dr, Dr. Ban, didn't see any records of my 35 week ultrasound. I asked Bellingham OBGYN to send my records over. Dr. Ban reviewed them and wanted to have an ultrasound done on B to see how his kidneys were. On Tuesday, B had his ultrasound and of course the tech is not allowed to tell us anything. I anxiously awaited Dr. Ban's call the next day to hear the results. I was certain all would be fine and it was cleared up. No, the opposite. The left was now at a moderate dilation and the right was at a slight. My heart sank. What does this mean? Will he need surgery? What is causing this problem? He can super soak a diaper so how can he have kidney problems? Dr. Ban said we needed to go in for a VCUG test. They put a catheter in and fill his bladder with a liquid dye and take x-rays to see if there is reflux of urine back into the kidneys. If that was the case, there would be high chances of kidney infections. The test would also tell us if there was an extra valve on the back of his urethra causing the blockage. God was watching out for us and our friend Kayla is the Radiologist at the hospital who does this test. We were scheduled for the VCUG on Thursday when guess who came down with a cold on Wednesday night. There is nothing more heartbreaking than watching your two week old try and breathe with a stuffed up nose! I felt so helpless for him. We went to Dr. Ban Thursday morning to confirm it was just a cold. They performed the most brutal tests to make sure he didn't have rsv. He screamed and cried. My baby doesn't produce tears but he did that morning! Then in the afternoon we went in for the VCUG. Poor thing two awful tests in one day. He did amazing! Kayla performed the test twice to 100% make sure that we were in the clear. There was no refulx and no extra valve. What does that mean? We will go back for another ultrasound in 3 months to make sure the kidney's haven't gotten worse and in 90% of these cases it just goes away by 18 months. This was our best case scenario. I will try to forget about it until 3 months from now. My best friend said it best... it is just a little piece of what gives him character! I am glad there is no reflux or valve. I was so sad with tears streaming down my face that my little boy was going to need so much more. When in reality, all we need is a little bit of time. I know this is not my last hard day as a mama but it was a hard first go around! 

until next time...